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| Loneliness, an emotional isolation, differs from being alone. It affects mental and physical health, making genuine connection essential. |
Loneliness is a universal human experience that transcends age, gender, and social status. It's a subjective feeling of disconnection from others, a profound sense of isolation that can have profound consequences on our mental and physical well-being. However, it's important to understand the difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
The Difference Between Alone and Lonely
Being alone is a physical state, a choice to spend time by oneself, while loneliness is an emotional state that can occur even in the presence of others. People can feel lonely in a crowded room or find solace in solitude. The key distinction lies in the perception of lacking meaningful connections and a sense of belonging.
Humans are social creatures. Even introverts—those who are wired to be most comfortable and creative if we have high levels of solitude in our lives—enjoy the company of other people and suffer from health issues (including mental, physical, and emotional) if they are alone for too long.
How to Recognize Loneliness in Oneself and Others
Loneliness can show up in various ways, and recognizing its signs is crucial for addressing it. In oneself, it may present as a persistent feeling of emptiness, sadness, anxiety, or a lack of purpose. Physically, it can lead to changes in appetite, sleep patterns, and energy levels. In others, it may be reflected in social withdrawal, lack of engagement, or a tendency to self-isolate.
The person who is "different"—the kid with ADHD, the cleaner who wears a hijab and always smiles at you when she sees you, the quiet, slightly rumpled old man in your apartment block who you did not realize even lived in the apartment next door until you both exited your respective doors this morning—would likely welcome a fellow greeting, an occasional smile, and maybe a friendly conversation, no matter how short. Loneliness inhabits every neighborhood.
The Invisible Kid -- *Cipher in the Snow*
How Loneliness Looks in Childhood, Adolescence, and Old Age
Loneliness can affect individuals at any stage of life, but the way it presents and impacts may differ slightly to greatly from one stage of life to the next.
Childhood
In childhood, loneliness can stem from a lack of meaningful friendships, bullying, or family dynamics. It can hinder social skill development and lead to long-term emotional and behavioral issues.
In the slightly dated video above ("Cipher in the Snow," from 1974), the little boy is friendless, bullied (at home and at school), and a victim of a self-fulfilling academic prophecy because his old teachers told his new teachers that he was an unmotivated slow-learner. This assessment was based on the period of time when his biological father left the home and his mother took up with an unloving stepfather.
A 2019 public health study at Columbia University suggested that: Exposure to one or more experiences of adversity before the age of 18 years was considered (in childhood deaths) and also included abuse, neglect, family violence, and economic adversity. The greatest proportion of outcomes attributable to CA were for suicide attempts and sexually transmitted infections, for which adversity accounted for up to 38 percent and 33 percent, respectively.
Adolescence
During adolescence, loneliness can result from peer rejection, social media comparisons, or a lack of understanding from parents as well as the childhood adversity mentioned above. It can contribute to low self-esteem, depression, and risky behaviors.
I have chosen not to list all the criteria related to loneliness in early adult to late adult life. It is a blend that can show up during the typical storm and sterm of puberty, loss through death, divorce, etc., and many other factors, including poverty and homelessness.
Older Adults
In old age, loneliness can be exacerbated by the loss of loved ones, physical limitations, or social isolation. It can accelerate cognitive decline and increase the risk of other health problems like heart disease and stroke.
Unhealthy Coping
When left unaddressed, loneliness can lead individuals to adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms:
Substance abuse: Some may turn to alcohol, drugs, or excessive food consumption to numb the pain of loneliness, leading to addiction and further isolation.
Social media addiction: While social media can provide a sense of connection, excessive use can lead to a cycle of comparison and envy, exacerbating feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.
There is also the problem of "romance scammers" on social media. Some of them have stolen the ID of military generals, etc., usually describing themselves as widowers or single parents, aiming for a romance with vulnerable, lonely people, preferably lonely and wealthy. Some purport to be heading up orphanages or shelters for animals or sex-trafficked young people or any number of noble charities or enterprises that compassionate, lonely people might be drawn to want to support.
Lonely teens are vulnerable to fake Romeos who pledge their undying love in exchange for sexting videos. And there is the underworld of the dark web with its smorgasbord of risky sexual or thrill-seeking behaviours to fill the void for the lonely, putting their physical and emotional well-being at risk.
Prolonged and severe loneliness can have serious consequences on physical and mental health. Chronic loneliness can weaken the immune system, making individuals more susceptible to illnesses. It has been linked to an increased risk of depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, and early mortality.
In extreme cases, loneliness can lead to suicidal ideation, attempts, and actual suicides, making it a critical public health concern that requires immediate attention and intervention.
Non-Pharmacological Healing
Healthy Coping Skills
While loneliness can be a challenging experience, there are healthy ways to cope and overcome it:
Build meaningful connections: Seek out opportunities to connect with others through shared interests, hobbies, or community activities. Nurture existing relationships and make an effort to reach out to friends and family.
Practice self-care: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, such as exercise, mindfulness practices, or pursuing a hobby. Taking care of your physical and mental well-being can boost self-esteem and resilience.
If you are a parent or caregiver of a young person who shows signs of being bullied or chronically being excluded by friends, teachers, peers, and others, look for a way to have a conversation with them.
Your child is a lonely child when they have no trustworthy friends. If at all possible, start with getting support for yourself. It is a little like the oxygen device on the airplane: put it on yourself and get your child out with you! Find out what resources are available for you AND your child in the city where you live. Avail yourself first.
See and listen to the Little Book of Friendship. The book is written for children but the principles are universally successful in making friends. There are masses of good friendship-making tips online.
Seek professional help: If loneliness persists or becomes overwhelming, don't hesitate to seek support from a mental health professional. Counseling or therapy can provide valuable coping strategies and address underlying issues.
Inquire about social prescriptions: In the U.K. and other parts of the world, physicians are practicing something called social prescriptions meaning they can prescribe social and emotional resources instead of (or as well as) pills. Recreational and support groups can bridge the distance between isolated solitude and friendly community.
Look for group therapy: As a social worker with women clients who had experienced partner abuse, I found that there was usually some stress and doubt around the idea of joining a group. Many of their partners had made disparaging remarks about groups of women and this had set the negative tone. Meeting with these clients one-on-one was often the most reassuring route into group involvement. A mix of one-to-one counseling and groups was overwhelmingly useful in building self-confidence and a community of friends.
Try the emotional freedom technique: I often introduced individual clients to the emotional freedom technique (also known as tapping), which helps bring down anxiety and other socio-emotional blocks to fun social experiences.
Dr. John Bradshaw referred to loneliness as love pain. As I referred to above, loneliness over a long time can result in serious health conditions that cause actual physical pain (along with devastating emotional pain). Here is an example of tapping through feelings of loneliness that you can try out Here.
Try laughter therapy: In addition, I like to introduce the book Laughter Yoga by Dr. Madan Katarian. It is a good lead-in to the stress-reducing laughter therapy groups that can be found in many communities—a way to do fun, effective therapy in a group and enjoy the social benefits of laughing with each other!
Volunteer or help others: Engaging in acts of service or volunteering can foster a sense of purpose and connection with others, reducing feelings of loneliness.
Embrace solitude: While loneliness is undesirable, learning to appreciate moments of solitude can be empowering. Use this time for self-reflection, personal growth, or creative pursuits. This ability to deal with the hurt of loneliness is often a spiritual woundedness and might be an opening for you to connect or re-connect with a healthy spiritual community (if you did not have a positive experience with a former spiritual community you might have to do some rigorous research to determine what a healthy spiritual community is for you).
Overcoming loneliness requires a multifaceted approach that addresses both external and internal factors. By building meaningful connections, practicing self-care, and seeking help when needed, individuals can break the cycle of loneliness and cultivate a more fulfilling and connected life.
References
Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.
Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218-227.
Mushtaq, R., Shoib, S., Shah, T., & Mushtaq, S. (2014). Relationship between loneliness, psychiatric disorders and physical health? A review on the psychological aspects of loneliness Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research, 8(9), WE01-WE04.
© 2024 Cynthia Zirkwitz
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